Saddle up my high horse, Jeeves; I feel like a ride.
Friday, January 26th, 2007I realize that there are many things about which I am right. I also realize that many people think I am wrong about these things. The knowledge that my opinions are correct and theirs are not is a burden I’ve had to bear for years; it doesn’t mean I think less of others, just that I think more of myself. But on some issues, I feel I must step forward and set my peers straight. For this reason, I present the following infallible truth:
Spongebob Squarepants is a television program which is nothing short of sheer brilliance, and anyone who disagrees is simply wrong, wrong, wrong.
You may wonder why I ally myself so completely with a two-dimensional yellow sponge and his weekly antics. I will tell you why. I will prove to you with the following evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt the utter superiority of this porous sage and his timeless parables.
1) Spongebob has an excellent work ethic; he labors tirelessly at what most people would consider to be a menial job, but he does this without bitterness, tackling every order with an almost Taoist glee in his task. Every crabby patty is made with love and care. He never asks for a raise and a promotion; he accepts rewards when they are offered to him, knowing that the karma he spreads will return to him when he has proven his worth.
2) Spongebob has an unparalleled loyalty for his friends. In one episode, he rallies all of Bikini Bottom to create a Texan Barbeque for his homesick squirrell friend. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for his best friend, Patrick–even the grousey Squidward is treated with kindness and respect.
3) Spongebob is altruistic. He is constantly making a concerted effort to help others, and if ever he does harm, it is always with the intention of doing good. When he does hurt someone, he goes out of his way to make things right.
4) Spongebob is fallible. He has known the pull of Goofy Goobers’ sugar rush. He has felt the thrill of foul language…His Achilles’ heels make him the ultimate tragic hero, forever struggling with his own weaknesses.
5) Spongebob is earnest. When he feels joy, he laughs, dances, sings, skips, and spins with glee. Nary a cynical word has ever passed his lips. When sorrowful, his tears are more real than M’Lynn’s in Steel Magnolias (and twice as moving, in Sally Field’s case). Never has a character in fiction expressed himself with such sincerity.
The aforementioned qualities are what, to me, make this program so invaluable, so incomparibly artful in its creation. In contrast to Yu Gi Oh, Pokemon, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles–this is the kind of show children should be watching–this is the kind of lead character to whom they can relate. He is the kind of character you want your child to look up to: loyal, altruistic, sincere, kind, hard-working. The setting and the silliness entertain, but they are not at the heart of the show. The heart of this program beats, squishily, lovingly, in the yellow absorbent chest of my truest cartoon love.
And anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
